And then, as usual; she caused quite a bit of drama.
This isn’t the normal type of drama that I am used to... no. This is the type of drama that I have never dealt with; I am not going to disclose the accounts that happened, just know that it is something that I deeply frown upon.
Now I have been telling myself that if there was any more drama, of any sort, then I would not be able to handle it. That I would no longer be able to stay in a relationship with someone whose soul purpose seems to be making sure that I am not happy, and never in a state of awesome. That is what I told myself before the incident happened.
Once she told me what she did we sat in silence for what seemed for days; I didn’t know how to react, or what to say. I was on the cusp of telling her that we were through so many times, but whenever I tried to let the words escape my mouth they wouldn’t come. I let her know how disgusted it made me feel, and that it was something that would take time and effort on her part to mend what she did. Then I asked her what she would do if she were in my shoes.
"Continue on, keep pushing, and give you another chance."
Who wouldn’t say that after they fucked up? Granted she told me what she did, and that does count for something. If I would have found this out on my own, the conversation would have been a great deal shorter. So I sat there, staring blankly at last year’s Guitar Center calendar. Searching for how I should go about dealing with this... I told her that I needed to tell someone about this. I needed to get someone else's advice as to what to do. She asked that I don't tell anyone about it. She asked that of me because she knew that if I were to ask anyone's opinion what to do, they would say to end the relationship. But me being the ultra nice guy, I told her that I would tell someone that she has never met and has no contact with any of my friends. I needed some time to think about what happened, to help me act rationally, and not in haste.
Before she left I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. I let her know that I wanted to be with her, and that I didn't want to break up with her. She went to her car, and I even with her door closed I could still hear her cry. I stood there for a bit, wondering what I should do.
I walked inside, found on old pack of cigarettes, walked outside, and lit it up. While I know this does sound extremely cliché; it was something that I gave up on account of an ultimatum that she gave me after a previous talk/drama incident. She knew what that meant (the only reason that I smoked in front of her before was due to drama, or when I was extremely annoyed because of her). She got back out of her car and came over to me, and cried some more.
She tried to kiss me, but I refused. She cried harder, but it was something that I had to stand my ground on, at least for now. I reminded her that I needed time to think about it, that I didn’t want to break up with her, and that I still loved her. She got back into her car and drove away.
It took me a couple hours of staring at the empty darkness before I was able to get to sleep that night.
I woke up to my phone ringing at 11am. It was her. She wanted to see me. I told her that I wanted to do absolutely nothing. I wanted to watch cartoons, lie in bed, and do absolutely nothing at all. She heard me, and I was specifically clear about doing nothing. She was over around 12, laid down next to me and we started to talk about what happened. At that point I wasn't able to talk to anyone about it, and she assumed that I was able to get in contact with the person that night and have everything worked out within 10 hours. Even after our many talks about her extreme expectations, none of it ever seeps through.
She tried to kiss me and I still resisted, she backed off and started to weep. And like I said before there is only so much crying and tears a human can hear before they don’t care what happens as long as the tears stop. She tried to kiss me again, and even though I resisted it at first I finally gave in... I no longer wanted to hear the tears, or see the weeping. She assumed that everything was in the clear, and that we were back on good terms... I wasn’t in such great spirits. I was specific about doing nothing, specific that I just wanted to do FUCKING NOTHING AT ALL. Every time that I ask if she wants to come over and do nothing at all, she agrees and has an ulterior motive. She thinks that doing nothing means doing something...
Before she left that day I told her that if there was any more drama in the near future I would not be able to take it, and that I didn't know if our relationship would be able to take it.
After a couple days I was finally able to talk to someone about the recent drama, not there person I wanted to talk to, but I was at least glad to tell someone. I didn’t disclose anything other than "something happened" and they were fine with that. After a few drinks and a good discussion about it I was feeling alright again. Not good, but just alright.
The state that I am in right now is nothing great. I haven’t been cycling as much as I would like to, and my body is showing signs of it; gained 13lbs since November, and my lungs don’t work quite as well as they did when I was doing 10miles a day. I am trying to get back into a routine where I am cycling more, but my mind and body just find ways to make that not as easy. Hopefully with a couple more purchases I will want to get back into the spirit of velo. On the other hand, things at the job are looking pretty awesome.
Hopefully things will start to look up, and the drama seems to have subsided for now. After all formula 1 starts on March 30th, the first WRC round starts in 2 days, and Liverpool is doing well in the EPL.
Till the next round,
-Fuck emo lifestyles...
Mr. Drew King got cut off by a car while cycling and got hurt. Jeg, Sarah, and I came over to console him and to make sure he wasn't in dire straights. I made some soup for everyone while we chatted about this and that. After a light dinner we playing a fantastic round of apples to apples. Them we walked around Silver Lake and ended up at brite spot for some late night coffee and foods
I have been doing quite a bit of thinking. It has mainly been about how to handle things with my lady in the best manner possible. In the past I had an Rx7, and now I have a bike. My lady found this bike next to a dumpster, and surprisingly it fit me. here it what it looked like...
It was great. I then painted it and took some more photos... but then I somehow deleted the photos. I did, however, take a photo before I started working on it.
Then I started the fun process of stripping the bike down to bare metal. Took awhile, but all in all I love how it turned out. All I have to do now is get my Cane Creek TT lever in from performancebike.com so that I can install my brake. BTW fuck those guys it has taken soooo frikken long. Milwaukee to my house 3 days std shippingfor the campy brake, I have been waiting since the 9th to get the lever.
but i digress.... here are the photos of the aftermath.
I am really glad that I have a career that I love doing; otherwise I would have been really frustrated and in a horrid mood.
I have been helping her with every single one of her problems, she states that there are more than I know; but it still doesn’t change the fact that I help her furiously. All I ask is that I have some time to help me return to normalcy, but I don’t even know what that is anymore... not to sound like some macho man but it had been 6 years since I last cried; and since being with her I have cried 4 times. Twice because I lied to her and it broke me that I did, and twice because I have been trying so hard to change everything that I was to make sure that our relationship would be strong. There is only so much "I thought you would have said..." or "I was just waiting for you to do..." that I could take before I broke. Nothing I want or do is ever good enough, or meets her expectations of me. I, on the other hand, have never had any expectations of her. That wasn't meant to be a mean comment, it is just that I allow her to be herself around me and I enjoy/respect her choices and decisions. Maybe I should start having wild expectations of her and turn it around on her but alas, I am not that kind of person.
As a matter of fact I am not really sure who I am anymore. I have changed so much from what I was, what I did, and who I hung out with that having a simple cup of coffee with my best friend, whom I’ve known for 19 years, doesn't feel normal. Our conversation last night (see post below) was abrupt and lacked depth. It was as if we were talking at each other and not with each other. Granted I was running off of 4 hours of sleep and a full work day; but even in the past lack of sleep had never been an issue. To a passerby things between her and I, and our group as a whole seemed to be okay. I, on the other hand, was not.
After coffee, and the awesome 4 hours sleep with a work day, I wanted to go home and sleep. She on the other hand wanted to have under the covers time. Normally, I would be all for it; and as a matter of fact I used to be that way. I used to want to have bed time fun time with her twice a day. Then she asked me to stop, stating that she was worried that we were having it too much. I gave her my reasons as to why I liked doing it everyday, but I respected her decision and slowed down. She asked if she could stay, and I hesitated. She didn’t take that too well. She asked why I don’t get exacted for her anymore, why I don’t touch her and much as she touches me, all these things that I am apparently not doing to her standards. I didn’t have an answer; I just said that I loved her. I wanted a night without drama, and it was turning out be the first one in a long while. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
I told her that maybe we should hold of on sex for awhile. Granted she may have used different words to me a couple months back, but the end result would have been the same. But now that I am the one that asks and not her, she won’t have it; she won’t give me the respect that I showed her.
I want her and me to work, but as the days go by it is getting harder and harder to see that happening. I miss the fun times, the smiles, the easy days; and it is getting harder to remember a single day that we had where drama wasn’t involved. I don’t want drama. I want to be happy to see her, spend time with her, and do anything with her. But as of right now and for the last couple of months it is heart wrenching.
There has been this... on going battle to get some space, to get some breathing room. Thousands have died, hundreds injured and yet none have been missed by anyone but me. After all I was the one that hid them all. Thousands of happy moments have been killed due to me not being able to experience them because "I don't think that is supposed to be funny" or "what does that mean?" hundreds of smiles injured because I yet again have managed to fuck something up that while I was just acting like I would with my best friends. All have been hidden because I don't really tell anyone.
I have shown every bit of love, patience, compassion that a man can show a woman, and yet when I need downtime to unwind, to digest what we have been fighting about and make sure I don't go into a meltdown... it is impossible. I can’t remember the last time that I was able to go to sleep when I wanted to... I can’t remember the last time that I got a real night's sleep without getting called 46 times because "she missed me." I mean come on I was just talking/with to you an hour ago. If I am not next to her talking to her; there is drama. If I don't do things that she wants, or in the exact way that she wants; anger happens. Everything I do is wrong; whatever I say isn't ever enough...
What is a man supposed to do?
I don't know, and that space that Kirk gets to meander around in... I can’t even touch it, I could care less about the exploration bit of it, I just want to be able to have some of it so I can sit on my couch and not worry about anything... Who knows what this will lead to; all I hope is that my one night of nothing will turn out okay. And she will understand why after almost 6 months I just need 1 night to myself.
Run Wolf Run is Guitar Wolf's Second album; in my post about Jet Generation I said that you can hear the roots of Guitar Wolf. But that statement isn’t completely true, or rather isn’t the whole truth. There are similarities between the two, and there are roots that can be traced back to this album through their newer albums. The fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter. Comparing or even grouping these two albums under the same headline is almost comical. Saying that “Run Wolf Run is like 'Jet Generation” is saying that the "One Armed Boxer vs. The Flying Guillotine” is like “Kung Pow." Both of these are movies, both deals with Kung Fu, and in both humor can be found, but saying that they should be under the same genre is just ignorance.
In Jet Generation a melody can be found, easily in fact. The first songs are hard and true, but as it progresses it becomes a much "easier" band to listen to. If you try to listen to "Run Wolf Run" you will instantly fail. Run Wolf Run isn't something that you listen to; it is something that you suffer through. Suffer not in a bad way, but rather like suffering through a rad night of fucking. Sure it hurts now, and you know that those scratches will hurt in the morning; but for fuck's sake does it feel o-so glorious.
For those who don’t like ruff sex, let me put it in a different perspective. It is like taking a shot of heroine, snorting a line of cocaine, drinking a bottle of moonshine and then lighting yourself on fire. Doing it may destroy your life forever; but for those 10 seconds when the drugs are clouding your mind and the alcohol is coursing through your body there is nothing that can get you closer to perfection. The act of lighting yourself on fire is only to reawaken your body to the natural world.
You have heard me say many times in the past that I love it raw. I love music straight from the writer's hands, without censorship, without the idea of "oh shit this might offend some bloke." I have also stated that Guitar Wolf's Jet Generation is as pure as it gets. Well, I was wrong. Brutally wrong. This music will not change your life. This music will not get you through the hard times. It will not comfort you when realize that you lost the one you loved forever. You will not become a better person for listening to this. It will not make you hip. It will barely be considered a form of music by a vast majority of people.
There is one thing that Run Wolf Run will do for you though; it will act as a line between what is fashionable, cool, and fab and that which is real.
Guitar Wolf on Guitar Wolf
"When we play live, our music sounds like we are throwing a bottle of fire at the audience."
"We brush our teeth with tequila."
I am going to get hammered for Billy, and smoke a few cigarettes in the process.
Guitar Wolf's “Jet Generation” is extreme. There is no real way that I can gently tip toe around this situation. I have listened to this album about 5 times all the way through, and am listening to it right now, and yet I am still stumped by this sound. Trying to describe it to some one whom either hasn’t seen the movie, or heard any of their other albums is quite a challenge. Yes someone actually made a movie where these guys where the key element, it is called Wild Zero. I will review the movie shortly after I finish this one [I called dibs]. But back to this album... of noise... as you know, well we can only hope that you know that we love music in the raw. If it were a piece of meat we want it when the knife hits the cow. This album isn’t raw, it isn’t raw at all. It is still on the cow. It is so out there that it just works. Guitar Wolf has 3 members the band; Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf. Best band names ever.
Okay, fine, I am going to get it out right now... to me these guys are superheroes. They dress like 1950’s greasers, and rock like the baddest mother fuckers on the planet. Ahh, I feel much better now. I can’t talk about the glory of this band without touching upon their super human abilities. For God's sake they saved the world from zombies! And aliens! And and and and saved "ROCK AND ROLL!!!"
The opening track of this album opens with pure and unadulterated feedback. It truly sets the tone for the entire album after that point. It is so gritty that when I first got the album I thought that it was damaged, or that it was recorded terribly. It was only until I saw the movie and accepted the sound that it came to me. Oh my god, it sounds like it was recorded on a single speaker, hand held recorder. MMppphhh, it is Godly. They were super heroes in the movie and they are super heroes in Japan. I can honestly say that Guitar Wolf is completely unlike anything that you have ever heard before. That is unless you listen to The Pillows and Polysics at the same time while watching Mad Max... the closest things that I can compare it to is the band Bikini Kill with men, and a really loud guitar. Every band, no matter which way you look at it is essentially driven by one instrument. In Guitar Wolf’s case it is driven by the feedback, not really an instrument but what a great use of this sound.
It may sound like I am rambling and essentially just repeating myself over and over. It may also seem that the only bands that I will ever review are the bands that of the raw nature. Guess what? You are probably right. Jeg is the master of the music part, and I have the vocation in the video department. He will bring you the music that is either brand spanking new or an explosion of the past (unless I beat him to it). The thing is we aren’t really writing any of this for you, we are writing for us. These movies, bands, ideals are nothing more than us making sure that somewhere, somehow these things will be put into the open so that people will at least be aware of what is going on. If you don’t like it, no one will care.
Back to the topic at hand, Guitar Wolf’s "Jet Generation." This music doesn’t need to be played at 4/10th volume, it NEEDS to be played at 14/10ths. I am talking about ears bleeding volume, stuff that will make your whole block angry. This is the music that your parents warned you about. These songs should be taken with 2 shots of 151 and 2 unfiltered lucky strikes. This is the end all be all of rock and roll.
I own one of their albums, just one of I think 11. In the near future I will be buying the rest. There is this spark of greatness about their composition. About how they can pull so much energy and wonderful noise from their instruments. Xiu Xiu can try as hard as he can. The Polysics can robitisize and electrify the noises that they make. But no one, and dare I say it, not even The Stooges can out match the energy and the rockin'est sounds that I have heard from this one album. Okay, they can’t touch The Stooges, but dear God these guys are right on their heels. As far as rawness goes they blow "be your own PET" out of the water. This is a band that I would test a girl that you are dating with... if she likes it, or is open to it, and then you know she is a keeper. Kind of like the locked door test. Okay, for those of you that have never seen "A Bronx Tale" watch it. It will change the way you think about how you live your life.
Ahhh yes, the test... First thing you do is lock every single door in your car. Pick her up at her doorstep, and walk her to your car. Unlock her door and her door only. If you have automated door locks, then find a way around it. IF she leans over and unlocks your door, then you know she isn’t a self centered little cunt. Only then can you ask her out on another date. However, if she doesn’t unlock the door, kick her to the curb and be done with her. She is only out for your money. Or play her for a one night stand. Either way remove her from your life.
Back to this rock and roll glory. If you have a chance pick up one of their albums, I would suggest either "Wolf Rock," or "Run Wolf Run." I have heard good things about both of them and, as with most bands, you can hear how their first album was like. You can feel its awesome, shake it up, and destroy with these guys.
Officially I was done at those last couple of sentences, but I don’t feel that I have covered what I really what you kids to know about Guitar Wolf. The problem is that I don’t know what else to say… they are the greatest rock and roll band that has come out of